There are so many things I should be doing now, but I’ve just watched the second episode of the final season of The Big C and I cannot stop crying. I am not ready to see her go. I knew she would die at the end of the show from the very beginning, but It’s just so painful and heartbreaking to watch her die. My relationship with death and living has never been normal, which is why, for the first time, I am surprised to find myself to feel so deeply for someone and not want them to die and go through that pain. I don’t know, maybe I’m finally starting to get better. But even though she’s a fictional character, I wish I could take that pain away from her. I am okay with suffering myself, but watching Cathy Jamison suffer is beyond painful. Many of the characters I loved died, in films and TV. First death that comes to my mind is George’s death on Grey’s, I am still not okay with it, but we did not see him suffer, what aches me there, is that he was this George, who always got left behind, no one wanted him, and girls treated him like their sister, and he was just a little boy thrown into an adult world. I don’t think any other TV death has ever really affected me besides George’s, and now Cathy’s. Here, I think it’s because I’ve always loved Cathy, I identified myself with her on so many occasions. I quoted ninety percent of what she was saying, because she said the stuff I was thinking, and the thoughts that I had. Two more episodes, I may not survive them.

Now, something because of my obsessive personality, I have always struggled to choose between The Big C and Dexter. Last year it was easier, because I couldn’t stand Paul and Adam and partially Sean’s behaviour, so the choice was easy, as it is always extremely easy for me to identify with Dexter, but now? A year ago, I’ve made a list of my all time favorite shows, The Big C made a 7th spot and Dexter made an 8th, but I am really starting to reconsider moving Friends a spot lower, to give The Big C the sixth place. Will think about that. Oh the crazy things that occupy my mentally challenged mind. Somehow this last paragraph made me feel better…

”I think my antidepressants just kicked in.’

Oh, Cathy, you and I, we’re the same.

There is no show that is more perfect than The Big C, both writing and acting are marvellous. Seasons one and two were absolute masterpieces, but season three started off at the same high level, but then got a little disappointing. I feel like instead of getting to know Cathy better, we dealt with Paul/Joy, baby and Sean crap all the time.Shame, the show’s absolutely genius. I love how at the end Cathy’s left all alone. I was very hard to stand Paul and Adam this season.

1. 1
   I would marry Helena Bonham Carter and kill Lady Gaga.
   The only problem with your London pub, is that there is not enough Londoners in it.
   Well, no one would leave winters out there and Minneapolis where it’s even colder.
   Excellent point, prime minister.
   It’s not actually as late as you think. That clock is on bar time.
   What’s bar time?
   Bar clocks are set 15 minutes fast to make sure we don’t serve anyone after curfew.
   You mean everyone who leaves here gets more time? This is a magical, magical place.
   Are we gonna see you tomorrow, Alexis?
   Most likely.
   I feel the need to write it all down while it’s still fresh.
   Safe? Ha, I had a heart attack at the Christmas party, what’s safe?
   If Paul has another heart attack or if my clinical try stops working, we want you to be Adam’s guardian.
   I think I’m flattered, but too cold to feel my feelings.
   You have so much to offer him.
   Streets smarts and above average sense of morality.
   Your insurance bills alone give your husband a heart attack.
   It turns out, if you’re gonna have a heart attack, having one at insurance company holiday party is a great idea. They’re being very generous with us.
   Clearly my meds are talking, they make me sound so bourgeois.
   But I don’t want to be a principal.
   You hear that ?
   Yeah, key fob is my friend.
   No, keep it with you at all times. Did you guys get that? So you might wanna ask Paul regularly if he has his key fob with him.
   Yeah, that won’t be annoying for anybody.
   To test press question mark. If yes, press bolt.
   It’s like a horse kick to fucking chest. If possible lay down before you shock yourself, distract yourself, think about sports kittens, whatever.
   Wow, another reason I’m glad I’m not you, Paul.
   We just asked Sean to be your guardian buddy in case something happens to me and dad.
   Okay but I’m not living in the woods with you.
   We don’t have to if you don’t want to.
   It is more than I though, I need about 15 bucks.
   Got it!
   Don’t take that personally, white man destroys everybody.
   I was in Ghana, and I was so sad and mopy, but there were these amazing African woman who smelled really bad and didn’t have clean water and some of them even had Aids, but they were dancing and singing around the fire and they were just so strong and joyous. And I just thought if they can do it, I can do it. I can be that strong.
   While you were gone, dad had a heart attack and died for a little while.
   Way to drop my vacation story, Mr J.
   Who’s that?
   Jesus, you ever heard of him?
   Yeah, but I’ve never heard of a black Jesus.
   Do you see what I’m dealing with?
   Are you eating chips for breakfast?
   I’m having a salty stress craving.
   No, No! I can’t intentionally hurt you!
   Give me the damn chips, Paul.
   This is not funny! We are sick people, Paul! We are two sick people living in a cold sick place. But everyday we stay alive is a day that Adam has two parents.
   I thought you out of all people would know that that white light is waiting for us whether we eat chips or not. We’re all gonna die, honey.
   I became a flight attendant because I thought it would be glamorous to travel around but now I want some control over where I’m going.
   Whatever the hell the left wing is.
   You’re past is always a part of you Ababu, just like you’re African roots.
   You’re smiling, you never smile. Ha, I knew it, I knew it, I’m a dead woman. The tumours are growing again, well it is what it is.
   I can’t smile because I’m happy?
   I don’t know, can you?
   Laura’s reaction!
   I think I said Holy fuck when I read your scans.
   So I have more time?
   Good news, good news, good news, I’m less cancery than I was before.
   That’s great.
   A lot less.
   Hell yeah, yeah!
   You write a lot.
   Guess what, Andrea, Ababu, I am a blogger.
   Good news!
   Aaaa! Oh, fuck me!
   For a big man you can really move.
   Get your wedding dress, Ababu, let’s go.
   We are moving on Ababu, we are moving on.
   Ababu and Sean dancing around the fire.
   Kathy almost drowning!
   We’re unkillable!
   What were you sweeping the ice?
   10/10
2. 2
   You had a fucking affair?
   Where’d you hear that?
   I didn’t hear it anywhere. I read it on dad’s blog.
   With all the lectures and bullshit I’m done listening to you, you’re a fucking hypocrite.
   Check this out, my latest blog post had got 59 page views, that’s 30 more than the last one.
   Your son is one of them. He knows about my affair. He read about it on your blog!
   Holy shit, Adam saw the blog?
   It’s on the Internet, Paul. Everyone can see it.
   Why didn’t you just skip all of it?
   I’m telling my story, Cath. I mean, It’s incredibly cathorgic for me and people seem to like reading about it. You know how I saw the light and the detail of my near death experience and I can’t really do that without explaining what came before. Like your cancer and your Lenny.
   So I caused your heart attack.
   No, life did and you’re the part of my life.
   This ain’t no hobby, this is my culture, bitch.
   Today I’m getting a job and a phone, tomorrow I’m on the Internet, before you know it, I’m e-filling my taxes and tweeting pictures of my taint to villagers in Assganistan.
   You were in prison. My mother warned me about guys like you.
   Rela, I just robbed the liquor store.
   Oh see, that almost makes you sound soft. You know you can get those things removed now.
   Why would I want to do that? I’m proud of them, It’s my story.
   If you can read this the bitch fell off.
   Those little lipstick kisses you live on the mirror in there are pain in my minimum wage ass.
   Tell your story in detention Andrea.
   It’s Ababu, damn it.
   I wanna talk to you.
   You might wanna talk to a mirror first, you look like a freaking crazy woman.
   Look, I don’t give a shit what I look like. Look, I am tired of you shutting me out. I had an affair. It was last summer, it lasted a few weeks, it was with Lenny the painter.
   Ok, yeah, that’s great. Feel better?
   Maybe when I’m done, cause now that I have your attention, I’m gonna tell you everything, everything. I’ve done drugs, when I was seventeen I smoked pot for the very first time and when I was nineteen I was arrested for peeing in a public park, and I’ve shoplifted. There was this great pair of guest jeans, and I got so drunk at my college orientation that they had to pump my stomach and that was after, after my friends, they found me passed out in this guy’s bedroom, and I could not find my bra, and that prick he give me s and I was so stressed out from having the rush down there, that I missed my period, I totally though I was pregnant…
   Just fucking shut up.
   I’ve made mistakes, I’m gonna make more.
   All of you are gonna make a shitload of mistakes too.
   It’s not fucking funny. Fuck off, Ainhole.
   Mrs Jamison, Fuck off Ainhole.
   Oh hell no, look at you fools, do you think this is a joke? This is eactly where people epect you to be. Don’t be where people epect you to be. You can give me another detention, or whatever, but right now I gotta say some shit. Now, I posted signs, I’ve asked your assess nicely, I even got over the intercome and screamed it and got a detention for it, but I can’t get threw you. So guess what, we’re gonna have group meeting right now. Welcome to the black students association and I’ve changed the name of the group, it’s ‘Afro’ Africans for rediscovering overselves, do I gave your attention?
   This is not a meeting, this is detention. Sit down, Andrea.
   It’s Ababu.
   But what am I supposed to do?
   That’s why they pay you the big bucks, Connie, to take care of shit like this.
   This is not funny, Cathy. Do you realize you are the third person from your house in my office today? You are a teacher. Certain rules need to be followed, certain behavior is epected. And today’s behaviour was not it.
   You know, I’m not particulary proud of myself, but I’m an adult, so you can stop wagging your finger at me.
   Is that alcohol on your breath?
   Excuse me? You have to give me here a little more credit, Connie. For your information, what you’re smelling is medicine that I’m on for my clinical trial. Medicine. You have got to help me out here, Cathy. I think the school has been very good about giving you the time and space you need to deal with your illness. I only ask for a little proffessionalism in return.
   You want professionalism. He’s wearing a tie. Is that proffessional enough for you?
   I told him my story. I told him everything, I think It was the right think to do. The way I did it was… questionable.
   Honey, have you been drinking?
   I have. And I will probably be drinking more later. I’ll see you at home.
   Listen, don’t, I was just…
   Wasting a perfectly good cigarette?
   Life sucks.
   So what do you think Alexis, you like it?
   I love it.
   10/10
3. Cathy writing, Shit happens and Fuck winter on walls.
   I thought I had lost the time, you know to be the kind of person who could go out and buy the colors and try them out, pick one and then actually paint the room. You know, it just seems so…
   Clinically fucking insane.
   No, something that healthy people do. But you see now, I have the time, I’m lousy with time. I mean I might just redo the whole house, by the time I get to the attic, I might figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
   Fucking Alec Baldwin, listen to his last tweet ‘Tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day, won’t you get my 1mln follower? Why the fuck does he do that. I have 7 followers, and I’m related to half of them.
   He is famous, Paul.
   Yes, but was he clinically dead for 3 minutes?
   So this is your bigger purpose in life? To get more twits then Alec Baldwin?
   Tweets, gonna finish my blog, does Alec Baldwin have a fucking blog?
   I have no idea.
   Mine’s better.
   I can’t keep painting the walls, Paul. I need direction, I wanna be a different me now. And look, she is a little woo woo but maybe we need a little woo woo.
   Did you just orgasm with my syrup?
   I’m running a gay phone sex businesses. Go ahead. Judge away, judgerella.
   Actually I’m too stunned to judge. I’m exceptionally good at it. I found my calling, Cath. Gay Phone sex worker.
   This crazy Joy thinks that dancing and juicing cured her cancer. Yet she has 23 000 followers.
   Rocks, this is a super crappy gift.
   How come I have more rocks than you do?
   Isn’t the real question, what are we doing paying good money to carry around the bag full of rocks.
   Holy molly.
   23 000 fucking followers.
   Juice is not food.
   Well, This explains one for two pricing.
   I breathed, I breathed for the first time, I breathed. And I realized that all of the fucking stress and all of the complaining I had given myself cancer. I mean, I had nobody else to blame, but myself.
   You may call these my fuck me shoes. But you know what I call them? I call them my fuck you shoes. Fuck cancer. I fucked cancer. And now I am fucking life. And I wake up every morning orgasmically happy. It’s ironic, isn’t it? That cancer would show me that I can take control of my life and that I can follow my dreams.
   Laughter bits the shit out of crying.
   Don’t apologise to me. You’re the one that’s letting yourself down. You’re the only one that’s gonna stop you from your joyful path.
   How do you know I have cancer?
   I read your husband’s blog.
   Really?!Your blog is inspirational. You’ve got a knock for story telling, you gotta use that.
   Thank you,
   You should now, I don’t think joy can kill my cancer.
   Then you should know that attitude is probably gonna kill you and this is for you, for giving up.
   Et fast.
   You don’t have to tell me twice.
   What the fuck, holy shit it’s a ring?
   He’s proposing.
   Ababu, you are the fire in my heart, the light in my loins, you make me wanna set my hair on fire with desire, you complete, you make me feel like dancing. You had me and hello, marry me, my African queen.
   Yes!
   Okay, let’s shake you booty, everybody dance, even you Cathy.
   All right, Cathy. What’s going on?
   What’s going on is I’m calling bullshit. The juice, the joy the stupid fucking bags, I’ve had it. I’m done.
   Cathy, good for you. You got it. You got it. She got it, people! That bag is your old baggage. Why were you carrying it, because I told you to? Because society made you. I mean, you were ready to carry Paul’s bag. You cannot move forward if your shit is still pulling you back. You’re not your past. You are limitless future. Good for you, good for you. Good for you, Cathy.
   I knew you would be the first to get it.
   Holy fuck, holy fuck!
   What?
   I have 2 000 followers. Joy just tweeted my address. Check out this guy he’s got a great message. Holy shit.
   7/10
4. Why won’t you just come back and see us when you’re cancer free?
   What? Are you off your meds?
   All at once? That’s too many things up my ass. Too many, too many things up my ass.
   If he could maybe leave out the part about me still having cancer, that would be great.
   Cathy eating candy, and her’s We are worthy.
   Sean’s Polly, Polly! and ‘Sure’.
   It’s not just when you die, it’s here, I think it’s all around us and it’s just waiting for us to tap into it. I might have died and wake up, but you don’t have to. You don’t have to.
   Yeah, Polly!
   You seem to have no shame.
   Well, thank you.
   I want to adopt a baby, but apparently nobody wants to give a kid to the cancer lady.
   No, they hear cancer, people think you’re the boogieman.
   Can’t say I blame them. I know it sounds stupid but I just, I just thought if maybe I got a baby it would somehow magically guarantee I’d be around to take care of it.
   It’s not stupid. If you want something, if you really want something, you don’t ask for it, you demand it. You shout it out to the fucking universe, because you deserve it.
   There, now you’re wearing my lipstick.
   Do they wanna meet us? Oh, they wanna meet us!
   6/10
5. They’re talking to a younger couple? What kind of bomb it is to drop? How are we supposed to compete with younger? This adoption just turned into a contest and we are in it to win it.
   Suck in. I am. Oh, shit.
   It’s not fair to compare you to some younger mama, everybody knows that blonde ladies don’t age well.
   How does this grab you? Paul Power.
   Neeh.
   Fuck me with the stick.
   Or as I say, Oprah who?
   There’s some hot chicks in that group too, turns out God is good.
   What are you doing and what happened to your face?
   Paul having a heart attack on stage.
   Sad about the past? Flip that switch. Scared about the future? Flip that switch. You’re ready to love your life? Flip that switch!
   That’s just my brother, It made it sound even worse, didn’t it?
   Am I allowed to eat like I’m about to have a baby, or do I actually have to be pregnant?
   You can eat whatever you want, as long as I can too.
   I told them you’re a great mom, I lied.
   Good news we can have another one of those.
   5/10
6. I’m gonna need some caffeine to continue this conversation.
   Liquor and summer camp helped take the edge off. Getting a second kid is gonna be a great excuse to double my drinking.
   Close the fucking door.
   I wanna make a movie based on your life.
   You’re gonna ask Sandra Bullock to play me?
   Who’s asking? She’ll do it. She owes me, I gave her a fucking horse when she moved down to a ranch.
   I have some ideas, Beyonce, Queen Latifah, Meryl Streep, cause that bitch can play anybody.
   But she’s not dead.
   Oh, honey, it’s called dramatic license. Plus we all know there’s no cure for this.
   The movie has to end somehow, this is Hollywood, guys, that’s the way it works.
   Terms of Endearment, Titanic, Gladiator, Common Denominator, death, and huge box offices.
   You can take your joy and you can shove it and you, you can kill somebody else off in a movie.
   That woman wants to kill me. The issue is my future which I happen to believe in. I don’t want them making a movie about my dying when I’m trying to stay alive. Every time someone sees it, I’ll die. When When I do die, it’s gonna be once and it’s not gonna be in front of the whole world with everyone saying, oh she died so much better in the movie.
   Oh the final scene is absolutely breathtaking, Cathy’s making a huge whole in the wall, that is finally so The Big C!
   5.5/10
7. It was very painful to watch Adam do that to Cathy.
   It’s for future, it’s for when you’re older and I’m dead.
   What the hell was that?
   Sorrow you can drown, rage floats.
   Good, I shot winter, I’m sick of fucking winter.
   The secret to shooting is patience.
   Well, then I’m fucked, cause patience is not something I have hell lot of now.
   Let’s blow shit up.
   I don’t let anyone guilt me into shit. I am not afraid of anything or anyone.
   Oh, no she didn’t, she is shameless. Joy has a package she wants to come and get in her room.
   Aha, I knew it! Is this a package you want Mrs J to come down here and get? I’m returning it due to lack of interest. Shame at you girl, standing here with all your lady business hanging out every which way.
   Look this is photo-booth discrimination. Who do I complain to? Jesus?
   God be with you! She actually drove away in her car!
   Poor Cathy! But the couple did look a little off from the beginning.
   5/10
8. Cathy drags them into the woods and makes them turn off their clothes.
   Why? Why would you do this? Why would you promise a baby to someone that didn’t exist? That is not a rhetorical question!
   Doing what you had to do to get by?!
   Take off your clothes! Take off your fucking clothes! I don’t have a whole day and It’s cold out there.
   How ya feeling? A little exposed? Stupid? Welcome to the club.
   Seriously, seriously you thought someone would give their baby to a woman with cancer?
   I wanted to believe that it was possible! That someone could see the love and care that I could give a child, despite my diagnosis. I am the good one in this situation. So I say, yay for fucking me!
   In the meantime, I’d start walking.
   Truth be told, I haven’t felt like myself in months. I need a drink.
   Sweetie, What have gotten into you recently? It’s like your not thinking straight. Drinking in the middle of a day, getting tattoos, I mean, what the hell Cath?
   I said I’m sorry.
   Do I smell pot? Are you smoking pot?
   Yeah, I am.
   So you’re smoking pot now.
   Mom, you should keep smoking your pot, okay?
   Sh, sh, sh, too loud!
   You’re high.
   I’m very high.
   Is this you high, just giggling?
   I’m going to flip your switch.
   Right now I need you to break one and tell me Joy Fucking Climond’s room number.
   Where do you suggest we go to talk about you wanting to fuck my husband?!
   Have I fucked your husband? No. Would I be surprised if he fucked someone else? No. Because frankly Cathy, you are a downer. Your whole life is about nothing but you. Granted, I understand, cancer sometimes makes people very selfish.
   All of that negative energy and all of that anger. You keep it up, your cancer is gonna just pop right back, Missy.
   I did not gave myself cancer, the sun gave me cancer. It’s a flaming ball of radiation. Not my anger, not my energy, the sun. That’s it. I’m not done with you. You are a bitch.
   The lipstick on the wind-shield!
   Some people miss the bus, some people not so much.
   9.5/10
9. Appearing live, not so much.
   Yeah, she goes by the name of Alexis.
   Do you think she was in pain?
   She was hit by a bus, so guessing, yep.
   Is everyone up but me?
   By the way, the pillow bar does not serve drinks, only pillows, I asked.
   Otherwise we take to much nitrogen into our system and we might feel like you’re drunk.
   A! Like the sound of that.
   So, Pablo Jamison 😀
   Thank you translation app!
   Damn, she’s having a PTSD.
   Why is there a broken Joy in our room.
   Why do you care, I’m dead to you anyway, right, Alexis?
   Everyone was nice, I was stressed, it was just a place where I could blow off some steam. I had a few drinks, maybe a cigarette. With all the crap that’s been going on in my life, I needed a place where I could be free.
   Thats what makes you being sick, okay, because even if you do go, it’s not the end. I’ll meet up with you there.
   I’ll probably at the all night pie eating place, check there first.
   I just got some grave news in the graveyard.
   Ernesto, if I see you up there, I will return the favour.
   Instead of saying that you’re 46 years young, it may have said that you’ve 46 anuses.
   Feel free to fuck around.
   Cathy and Sean showing themselves a finger.
   Why you’re really here? Something made you wanna try something different today. Maybe you’re stuck or afraid and you’re sick of it. You had a hunch, that maybe your life can be different. It can be different. We’re all alone out here, people. You’ve gotta put yourself first. It is time that we own our own destinies, anybody who’s gonna get in a way of our joy, we’re tell them to go fuck themselves.
   10/10
10. I left my buddy.
    Where did you leave her?
    There-ish.
    Denero?
    Or is it Deniro? Robert DeNiro. You talking to me?
    Please don’t look directly at my thighs.
    Everyone has more history, good and bad than they can wear on their bodies. Why not wear it it your heart? Just my advice.
    Andrea is Andrea, again.
    Adam is finally acting like a Christian.
    I should have been protecting my buddy, but I was following my dick instead.
    Sean fighting over a rubber dinghy, a big yes. Get the fuck out, fuck off me.
    It’s a C for Cathy, and for cancer.
    I have cancer. I wanna say I had cancer, but I can’t.
    My doctor called me yesterday, told me my tumours are growing, again. Which really sucks, cause I’ve been doing this treatment and everything has been going so well and I really thought I was gonna beat this thing. Do you know what I think Angel, I think I’m gonna die within a year.
    It feels so good to cry. I’ve been trying so hard just to find my Joy, because I thought I was supposed to  be happy, or I was supposed to make other people happy, or I was supposed to make my kid think I’m happy, but… I just should have cried more. I should just cry more.
    Everyone screaming and complaining, and quarrelling, a kid hating his mother, Cathy running back to Angel, what a beautiful scene.
    I love how Cathy’s left all alone.
    9/10

Total grade: 7.7/10